God's timing is not ours (from April 16, 2010)

(From April 16, 2010)

When we made our announcement 2 short weeks ago, I stated that God’s plans are not our plans. I’ve repeated this to myself over and over and over again since then…

The day after we announced to the world that we were pregnant, we went in for our first ultrasound (2nd prenatal visit…not counting my many trips for lab work). The ultrasound was, to say the least, not at all what we expected. There was no yolk sac…only an empty, but prepared womb (gestational sac). At the stage that we had calculated my pregnancy, we should have been able to see the baby—small, but definitely there. Two things were possible, according to the dr. Instead of being at 7 ½ weeks, I was closer to 4 ½ weeks pregnant…or the baby had stopped developing. Because my positive pregnancy test was a week before the conception range that my physician gave us, Todd and I knew we had lost the baby.
We conceded, however, that there was a small glimmer of a miracle possible, and we were so shocked (despite the fact that we knew that I had such a high risk of a miscarriage) that instead of talking rationally and medically to the physician (we both know more than enough to know what this all meant), we agreed to a repeat ultrasound in approximately two weeks (which we would have done anyways)… today. And it has been an excruciating two weeks just keeping our smiles on while we accepted congratulations on a baby that we may or may not be having in November. However, we decided it was best not to announce to everyone our devastating news until we had the confirmation of a second ultrasound.
Today, during my lunch at work, we went in for the repeat ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown, but not enough, and there was still no baby.
Whether it was due to the hyperparathyroidism or a chromosomal abnormality, we will not know. This baby was just not meant to be.
God has His plans for us. And, as we have said, His timing is not ours. There is a very small bit of shine in all of this gloom. My parathyroid surgery has been moved up to next Friday (April 23rd) in Jackson, MS. I will at least be getting this tumor out.
Though this is an extremely sad time for us, I have to remember the words to the song that I heard on KLove this morning that God sent just to me…
“When my world is shaking…Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands.”
God is holding us through this and we do still appreciate your many prayers to get us through. Please pray for my surgery next week that all goes as planned as they open my neck to remove the tumor(s) and that my body will heal… It has just been through so much and I am so very tired.
Thank you for praying.